The Louis Pasteur of Junkiedom (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} calamityjon) wrote,@ 2008-05-14 08:36:00 |
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Along these lines, another phrase I sort of dearly love is when guys qualify any compliment they give another guy by adding that they're "comfortable with" or "confident in" their sexuality, or the even more ludicrous "...with their masculinity1"
Which is ridiculous, because if the guy really were comfortable with or confident in his sexual identity, he wouldn't feel the need to qualify his sentiments. If you say "Well, Tim is looking really good today" and follow it with a chaser of "You know, I can compliment another guy because I'm confident in my masculinity," then what you are saying is "I AM NOT GAY, OKAY? PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT." That is sort of the opposite of being comfortable or confident. It is sort of being the opposite things. Not being the opposite things? Not in this instance, is what.2
I also think of this whenever some guy discounts his ability to acknowledge masculine beauty. "I guess George Clooney is good-looking. I wouldn't know. My girlfriend thinks he is, I guess she knows what she's talking about." Which is crazy BS, of course, because first off it seems to imply that you just can't add, and somehow wouldn't understand that women would find soft blue eyes, a rugged jawline and swaggering confidence3 attractive - and therefore you were raised in a sensory dep tank - but also because guys comment on other guys' attractiveness all the time. Whenever a guy gives another guy shit about wearing open-toed sandals and socks4, or about needing a haircut, or dressing like a putz, that guy is saying "Your level of attractiveness is insufficient, go increase it." He's creating a standard of masculine beauty to which he insists other men must adhere. He is making the effort to make the men in his social circle more pretty to him.5 6
Anyway, where I was going with this is: I bet Brad Pitt has terrific balls. Just fantastic. Soft, smooth-shaven, warm and pillowy. You could rest your cheek against them and sleep for hours, cooling your fevered brow on the marble slab of his abdomen. I bet they pulse, gently, but reassuringly, like life-giving stones and swirling waters. Probably smell like blueberries. Bet they have good heft, too, probably feel good in your hand. This is what I think of Brad Pitt's balls, and I can say that because I'm confident in my masculinity.7
How about you?How do you picture Brad Pitt's balls? What are some of your favorite phrases, quisling modifiers of wounded egos or otherwise? I had one more but I got distracted by something and forgot about it. I don't even know.8
1Which is ludicrous because masculinity and homosexuality are not mutually exclusive, you know, because come on, Rock Hudson. And I know you're thinking 'David Hyde Pierce,' but I say again, ROCK HUDSON.
2 Late Addition footnote: Oh yeah, and it also implies that homosexuality is necessarily a negative condition, which is dumb, I forgot to mention that ...
3 Swooooooon.
4 PS: That really is totally unacceptable, even ironically. AND post-ironically. Knock it off.
5 Just off the top of my head, seems to be an obvious social and biological impetus to this sort of behavior. You assume that pack primate alpha males would want not only their own genetic material to pass on, but also those of their immediate clan, particularly as the individual benefits from the overall attractiveness of having a "better looking crew." Or if you look at sociological anthropology from the individual view, then it speaks well to the human capacity to extrapolate our sense of self to the level of the group identity. Or maybe casual homosexuality was the norm in primate societies, I dunno, I'm not Calamity Desmond Morris here.
6 What the hell, another footnote so soon after the last? Sorry, I had to get in on this; the reverse of the above-described male is - and tell me if you know anyone like this - has got to be the girl who, the second she is in the company of any homosexual male, starts to dish on handsome men, even if the homosexual man in question is not the kind to dish or gossip. Her identifying phrase is "Oh, you'll appreciate this," and then mention is made of Johnny Depp. This is the woman who has bought into the idea that straight men cannot acknowledge beauty in another man, and also she's kind of a pain in the ass. Homos*, back me up here.
* And birds.
7 Inform Carthage.
8 HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, MANNING??
Which is ridiculous, because if the guy really were comfortable with or confident in his sexual identity, he wouldn't feel the need to qualify his sentiments. If you say "Well, Tim is looking really good today" and follow it with a chaser of "You know, I can compliment another guy because I'm confident in my masculinity," then what you are saying is "I AM NOT GAY, OKAY? PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT." That is sort of the opposite of being comfortable or confident. It is sort of being the opposite things. Not being the opposite things? Not in this instance, is what.2
I also think of this whenever some guy discounts his ability to acknowledge masculine beauty. "I guess George Clooney is good-looking. I wouldn't know. My girlfriend thinks he is, I guess she knows what she's talking about." Which is crazy BS, of course, because first off it seems to imply that you just can't add, and somehow wouldn't understand that women would find soft blue eyes, a rugged jawline and swaggering confidence3 attractive - and therefore you were raised in a sensory dep tank - but also because guys comment on other guys' attractiveness all the time. Whenever a guy gives another guy shit about wearing open-toed sandals and socks4, or about needing a haircut, or dressing like a putz, that guy is saying "Your level of attractiveness is insufficient, go increase it." He's creating a standard of masculine beauty to which he insists other men must adhere. He is making the effort to make the men in his social circle more pretty to him.5 6
Anyway, where I was going with this is: I bet Brad Pitt has terrific balls. Just fantastic. Soft, smooth-shaven, warm and pillowy. You could rest your cheek against them and sleep for hours, cooling your fevered brow on the marble slab of his abdomen. I bet they pulse, gently, but reassuringly, like life-giving stones and swirling waters. Probably smell like blueberries. Bet they have good heft, too, probably feel good in your hand. This is what I think of Brad Pitt's balls, and I can say that because I'm confident in my masculinity.7
How about you?
1Which is ludicrous because masculinity and homosexuality are not mutually exclusive, you know, because come on, Rock Hudson. And I know you're thinking 'David Hyde Pierce,' but I say again, ROCK HUDSON.
2 Late Addition footnote: Oh yeah, and it also implies that homosexuality is necessarily a negative condition, which is dumb, I forgot to mention that ...
3 Swooooooon.
4 PS: That really is totally unacceptable, even ironically. AND post-ironically. Knock it off.
5 Just off the top of my head, seems to be an obvious social and biological impetus to this sort of behavior. You assume that pack primate alpha males would want not only their own genetic material to pass on, but also those of their immediate clan, particularly as the individual benefits from the overall attractiveness of having a "better looking crew." Or if you look at sociological anthropology from the individual view, then it speaks well to the human capacity to extrapolate our sense of self to the level of the group identity. Or maybe casual homosexuality was the norm in primate societies, I dunno, I'm not Calamity Desmond Morris here.
6 What the hell, another footnote so soon after the last? Sorry, I had to get in on this; the reverse of the above-described male is - and tell me if you know anyone like this - has got to be the girl who, the second she is in the company of any homosexual male, starts to dish on handsome men, even if the homosexual man in question is not the kind to dish or gossip. Her identifying phrase is "Oh, you'll appreciate this," and then mention is made of Johnny Depp. This is the woman who has bought into the idea that straight men cannot acknowledge beauty in another man, and also she's kind of a pain in the ass. Homos*, back me up here.
* And birds.
7 Inform Carthage.
8 HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, MANNING??
