The Louis Pasteur of Junkiedom (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} calamityjon) wrote,@ 2006-12-01 09:09:00 |
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| Entry tags: | sketchblog |
It's a very special day over in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
seebelow. It's ...
...Day! We've already gotten a lot of great entries from our hateful crew of utter haters. Click here to go check 'em out!
And in the meantime ...
HERE WE GO!
 1. Dr.Mid-Nite IIIThis is the third Doctor Mid-Nite. He is a blind doctor who can see in the dark and has the martial arts. The first Doctor Mid-Nite was also a blind doctor who could see in the dark and had the martial arts. So was the second one, who was different in at least that she was a lady and was black and had a costume that was a significantly different trainwreck than the trainwreck sported by the current Doctor Mid-Nite and which was based on the slightly trainwrecky original one's costume. OH AND ALSO THERE ARE TRAINED ATTACK OWLS. Mid-Nite III is just part of a larger problem I have with second and third generation heroes since the big reveals of the Silver Age, you know? When Schwartz and Fox reimagined DC's older heroes, they did so by, you know, actually reimagining them instead of just putting some young dude in the same costume. The second Flash sported a totally different look, the second Green Lantern was a space-cop in a streamlined kit while the first one was a magical disc jockey whose costume resembled a glam-rock set of Paul Revere's pajamas, and while the two Hawkmen resembled one another at least the second one was an alien. Oh, and the Atom, who was different in every. Single. Way. It totally bugs me that just the name "Doctor Mid-Nite" implies about a hundred different possible takes on a character - I did one up a while back where he was the spirit of the Wild Huntsman, with not only a hunting owl but a pair of vicious dogs and a jet-black stallion, and he hunted villains by night because he faded with the dawn. WHOLE OTHER IDEA. It's easy! Now you try! This is also why I .. .well, I don't hate, I'm just disappointed in the new Atom. They had a chance to try something totally new, and they just put some dude in the costume again. Anyway.  2. The SentryI hate this guy because he is so BORING. This is every idea that ought to work in our thrilling world of all new post-ironic modernism; a guy who was once the most amazing super-hero on Earth gets mind-zombified for thirty years so effectively that EVERYONE on Earth forgets who he is (the impracticality of that aside), then he comes back. You know what he does then, though? Throw into sharp contrast the difference in values between the 60's and the 21st century? Redefine the Sixties through the lens of modern-day storytelling? Actually, no, how about "he mopes a lot and throws Carnage into orbit." So, when you're a kid, and you go play "super-hero" with your friends, there's two paths to take - you play your favorite guy (One time in kindergarten, I was Ragman. I swear to god. I spent most of my time performing that lateral jump like he did over his logo in the quarter-page ads, over on the monkey bars) OR you be the irritating kid who plays his own superhero who is basically a lot like Superman or Spider-Man but BETTER, because his powers are better and his headquarters are cooler and he's the leader because he's the strongest and best super-hero. THIS IS WHAT SENTRY IS. Sentry basically flies around the Marvel Universe, "I'm totally as powerful as Thor, but I was way more popular. Reed Richards wanted to be my best friend. Captain America was totally like, oh my god, dude, you are awesome, I totally look up to you. Feeb. I got Spider-Man accepted by everyone because I was, like, hey, hang out with the cool kid, okay? Also I banged Crystal of the Inhumans (possibly in the can)." The only superhero I know of whose power is "Atomic Boring Letdown." Meh.  3. Natasha IronsDoes she even have a super-hero name? I know she's got an arch-enemy, and it's her costume designer. She looks like she's wearing Dazzler's grandmother's underpants. Anyway, big surprise, I totally hate Natasha Irons because of her character in 52, which is just tedious as all fucking get out. Here's something a writer might consider doing with a character who is in a difficult-to-defend moral position - you make that character a little likable, or defensible, or at least admirable. What we know of Natasha Irons is she's a dick to her uncle and she's buddies with Lex Luthor even though he CLEARLY killed one of her teammates, and the whole "metahuman Everyman" thing reeks to high heaven, and she has no facial expression except sneering, but whatever, she's busy being a dick. What a bad character, and I say this acknowledging that before 52 I didn't even really know she existed. Still, it would have been better to rwserve in character purgatory than rule in bad character hell.  4. EchoOkay. Echo is a character created by David Mack and Brian Michael Bendis, although she was really created by Frank Miller, because she's basically Elektra. She's deaf Elektra, right down to the murdered father she couldn't save and the lifetime of martial arts training and banging on Daredevil and shit. And then teh deef. Almost immediately after creating her, they got stuck on developing any characteristics for her, so they just keep throwing stuff at her until something sticks. This is instead of just not doing anything until they come up with a better idea. SHOVED DOWN OUR THROATS. As far as I'm aware, she was most recently revealed to be the mysterious RONIN character in New Avengers, which was totally this huge mystery for which they basically didn't bother to write any sort of followup or resolution. It was officially the single stupidest reveal of all time. The crowd was overcome with "meh." Also, she's half-hispanic and half-indian, but they always draw her Asian. GOOD NIGHT.  5. DeadpoolGoddamn the theatrical tradition of making asides to the audience, it led to these irritating and always unfunny super-hero characters who break the fourth wall. I mean, seriously, I goddamn read these things to be told a story, not to be reminded that I'm reading a comic book. I KNOW I'M READING A COMIC BOOK. I don't get some adolescent thrill out of me and the super-hero in question sharing that particular little secret. Anyway, funny superhero comics are not funny, especially not when all they've got going for them is pop-culture references. Also, dig this - Deadpool was meant to be a parody of DC's Deathstroke. THAT GUY NEEDED PARODYING? REALLY? Liefeld co-created this guy, are they sure by "parody" they didn't mean "stole, like all his other characters?" Not funny, not interesting, just garish and mind-bendingly stupid.  6. Ultimate X-AnyoneIf I had to pick one, I'd say Ultimate Beast. What is it about his character that I find so annoying? What character? There. The answer. I've only read the first thirty-five issues of UX-Men, but you have to admit that's a lot of crap to have read, even if it was free. It's all just so RANDOM, they were given an opportunity to tell coherent, well-developed stories free of continuity and drawing from a very deep well, and instead it's just Mark Millar sort of going "I guess Storm is a teenage dipshit," and then a thoughtful pause, "THIS issue, anyway."  7. Anyone in the Hellfire ClubExcepting Emma Frost, for the most part, I guess, because some effort was actually made to give her some damn sort of background characterization, but OH GOOD LORD ENOUGH OF THESE GUYS. What a concept to have outlived its usefulness, it was essentially a chance for English history-obsessive and fetish-crazy Chris Claremont to get some T&A into the X-Men, except that it was comic books and everyone ends up feeling ashamed that they masturbated to pictures of She-Hulk in the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe ten years or more after the fact, so, you know, the T&A thing is just embarrassing. Plus, what a dropped-ball concept - is this the actual Hellfire Club? Did they have any real plans outside of "POWER!!!" by means of stacking Jean Grey's boobs super-high? What was with that cyborg one? Didn't he suck bad? And why kill off Harry Leland, aka The Fat One Who Controlled Gravity. I liked him. All the Hellfire Club gave us was twenty years of The White Queen walking around in Victoria's Secret underwear and a mink wrap, while meeting the parents of the children attending her exclusive academy. What is this, an Alan Moore book?  8. Anytime a Third-String Character Makes An Appearance Just So He Can Get Killed Off.I know, I know, this is a rather wide field and it's more a storytelling theme (or a theme used to avoid storytelling) than a character, but it's my meme, lemme go nertz. And anyway, I guess this means I really hate Black Goliath right now. I hate this trend because it always has the opposite effect on me, I always end up becoming MORE interested in a character who was just killed, because I see the unused potential in 'em. And it's a cheap way to tell a story that's all about "upsetting the status quo" without actually having to upset it.  9. Any Lesser Titan Involved In A TITANS TOGETHER Group-ShotI've read THREE stories in the last five-or-so years where some Titans emergency involved calling in EVERYONE who was EVER a Titan, even for, like, five minutes - some Titan or the other is in deep trouble, so the call goes out, and then there's a two-page spread of every Teen Titan ever, including the Team Titans and the Teen Titan Force Squad and the West Titan Auxillary Titans and the Titans Catering Team. And they stand there in a big pose, and they silently throw a punch or shoot their laser beam hand power, and then they leave. If you're trying to illustrate that the Titans is "a family," then don't bring everybody together every time you have the opportunity. I'd suggest they try forming relationships between characters. I know, it's crazy, but give it a shot ... Also, these last two together means I really really hated Infinite Crisis ...  10. MurmurI just learned this guy's name a couple of days ago. Turns out he's a Flash villain. First time I saw him, I sort of guessed that his mask is human skin, right? Right, okay. How does he keep getting it back? I understand how Captain Cold keeps getting more Eskimo costumes, I don't get how he keeps finding human skin masks. Also, he's one of a very select few super-villains to sport a Jewfro. There oughtta be a team ... Oh, and one guy I didn't think of until this morning: Batzarro Okay, Batzarro is a Batman-version of Bizarro, and he's only ever appeared in the Superman/Batman (yay, top billing for my guy) book. Now, here's the thing about Bizarro, you've only got two ways to write for the guy. The first way is you write him totally apeshit insane and fundamentally retarded, which is how I like him. All trying to impress Lois by throwing an ocean liner over the North Pole or befriending a billboard on the highway, just absolutely nertz and unpredictable. "You am no friend, Superman, Tiny Hat Man tell me so!" then he and Mxyzptlk hit the mayor with a frying pan. The other way is the contradictory Bizarro, which I think is a little boring but is at least a little pathos-riddled. The thing about writing him like this is that you have to remember that Bizarro is Superman's imperfect duplicate, not opposite number, so it's not that he speaks in backwards talk but rather than he has an imperfect grasp of certain key concepts. For instance, if Bizarro were to express the sentiment "I hate Superman, he is my worst enemy," you'd have him say "Me love Superman, him am bestest friend" and then he'd hit him with a frying pan. The way Jeph Loeb would write that sentence is UTTERLY backwards, as in "Superman love Bizarro, me is not bestest friend." Like, bizigga-WHA? Okay, so reading an entire book full of that is bad enough. Batzarro, obviously, talks the same way, but here's HIS additional gag: Batman has a narrative device in that book where his internal dialogue is captioned alongside his spoken dialogue. Batzarro's internal dialogue is also captioned alongside his speech balloons, but get this: HE THINKS THE SAME THING HE SAYS. Haha. EVERY TIME. For, like, 22 PAGES PER BOOK! During an EIGHT ISSUE STORY ARC. Like we didn't get it the first time. Also, for extra stupidity, Superman ALSO has the exact same narrative device going on, but Bizarro by contrast DOESN'T. So, in other words, the Batzarro narrative device makes no sense whatsoever. I guess the character I hate is really Jeph Loeb, actually, I kind of have him here twice ... |
